The Gift of Suffering

I'm preparing for the birth of our 4^th child, Balin. I'm one of those “crazy” women who opts for natural childbirth – and my births are usually long and difficult. So I find myself turning inward and trying to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and physically for “Labor Day.” Tonight, I've been up most of the night thinking about what lies ahead. I've been lying in bed, not sleeping, and watching sweet Kael sleep soundly. We've had a blessed two nights of no seizures...and not only no seizures, but peaceful, solid sleep (at least for him!).

As I was watching him sleep and thinking about my impending childbirth, I began to think about suffering. More specifically, the gift of suffering.

James 1:1-4 says

Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

It seems strange to think as suffering as a gift – to be told to consider it ALL joy. But I see it lived out every day in my son, Kael. This child suffers so much, on a daily basis. The constant seizures, the balance issues, the inability to control his temperature...and yet, he is FULL of joy. And not only that, but he brings joy to everyone. You cannot meet Kael and walk away frowning – he just makes you smile. He showers everyone with such love that they are immediately touched by him. And I would even take it further and say that because of his suffering and illness, the joy we experience is even sweeter. When those sweet moments come, we appreciate them more. The pain and suffering we as a family experience have caused our family to love each other more...to cling more tightly...and when we have our wits about us – to have MORE JOY.

We are taught in our culture to avoid pain at any cost...that any kind of suffering is bad. And yet, I see in my child just the opposite. As a Christian, I believe that God came down to earth, became man, and purposely chose to suffer and die to save me. He not only humbled himself to become a man – but he allowed himself to be put through torture. I know it sounds crazy to a lot of people – especially with our Western mindset that suffering is to be avoided at all costs – but this is part of the appeal for my decision to have a natural childbirth. When I go through labor, I can unite myself to Christ – to his suffering. I can actually have a little sense of what he went through. I have to continually give myself over – again and again – to the pain – and to Jesus. It makes what he did for me so much sweeter. During this time, I pray...hard. Not just that God helps me avoid the pain...but for others. I offer my pain up for those around me.

Kael's birth was probably one of the most spiritually intense moments of my life. We had decided that we wanted to pray the “Divine Mercy Chaplet” during my labor and his birth. This is a Catholic prayer which focuses on the suffering and death of Jesus. With each decade of the prayer, I focused on a different aspect of Christ's suffering and death. It was a 30+ hour labor and my first all natural one. After a long night and day of laboring, Michael, Ronin and I went into the bedroom alone. We turned off all of the lights and kind of wrapped ourselves around each other. We played a musical version of the Chaplet and sang along as a family. During this prayer, my water broke and the labor became even more intense. As I was praying and suffering, I offered my pain up for Kael – for his protection and that he would know and love God in an intense and amazing way. Then, later, as he was born into the water, this prayer was playing in the background. I had no idea at the time what suffering Kael or the rest of my family would face. But when things get really hard...when I am just clinging to survival...I remember his birth and how special it was. I remember that he was covered in prayer and that these sufferings are a gift.

There is another benefit to suffering...and this is one that brings me back to natural childbirth. It shows you what you are made of! All of my births have been difficult, but Thane's was particularly so. It lasted for 36 hours and I had to push for 4 hours. There were moments when I really thought I was going to die. I didn't think I could take another second of it – it seemed to be dragging out forever. I kept having this image pop into my head of me clawing to get out of a pit – but then I would remind myself to calm down...to just breathe...to just hold on. During those 4 hours, I was not really doing a lot of praying...that had come earlier. Now, I was just trying to survive – instinct took over and I was not really even thinking. And I did survive – and it changed me...I'm totally serious. I have not been the same since that birth.

My life with Kael is immensely difficult...I mean, it's almost laughable how hard it can be. And not just because of Kael – it's the illness, the seizures, the meds, but it's also the other kids...the normal trials...all of the difficulties that having little kids brings...PLUS Kael. Any mother of small children will tell you that life is hard...having Kael just takes it from hard to almost impossible. (if it seems like I hate life...remember my above comments – I'm just trying to paint a picture :). At least once a week, Michael or I (or both of us) exclaim something like, “Why does our life have to be so damn hard!!” But what Thane's birth taught me is that I can get through ANYTHING. I CAN SURVIVE. And not only that, but that joy will come! When Thane finally flipped out (seriously, the kid's head was so big his whole body just flipped right into the water in one push), the pain didn't matter anymore. I had this beautiful gift from God in my arms. The suffering was so worth it.

So when I'm having a particularly hard day, I go back to those two moments in time...to Kael's birth – because I know his life has purpose and meaning – that his first breath was a prayer and Thane's birth – because it taught me that I am a STRONG, STRONG woman who can survive anything.

I'm wondering what other lessons I need to learn – guess I'll find out in a few weeks...