Today we had our new little one, Thane Charles, baptized. As I put the Baptismal gown on Thane, I couldn't help but remember Kael's baptism. He was about 1 month old, and we had no idea what loomed ahead. We only had our hopes and dreams...that he would be as smart as his big brother, that he would be happy, and I always cherish the dream that one of my boys will be a priest. Never, never, never in my wildest dreams, would I have imagined that one day, we would be hoping that he made it to the age of five...that he would not lose the ability to walk or talk. It has been such a readjustment (to put it lightly) of my dreams. But I am learning to replace the old dreams with new ones. I'm learning to allow Kael to be who he is...whatever that means...to know that God has amazing and wonderful plans for Kael - even if they are different plans for him that I would ever imagine or pick. Sometimes, I rage at God about Kael's future. When I see other children his age, or even younger, who are carrying on conversations with their parents, my heart breaks all over again...but then I have to just let it go.
Baptism is the marking of a child as one of God's own...a sign of the eternal. And really, that is what this life is - preparation for the eternal. When I consider this...and that Kael's heart is so much closer to heaven than my own, which is so clouded by pride, envy and all of the other vices of this world, I feel a little more at peace. I think someday, when I get to heaven, through the grace of God, I will finally see the gift in all of this suffering. It's a little harder to see here - but Kael is teaching me to look for it.
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A friend sent me your site. I admire your faith and love in God. She thought I might relate since I have had some of these feelings about my son Kevin who is 10 and diagnosed with Ewing's Sarcoma. This is a bone cancer he got it in his ribs and had the tumor removed. We are also catholic and I had many dreams of Kevin becoming a man and what he would be like, so handsome and intelligent. He has great love for Jesus and religion, he is an altar boy still even with no hair and chemo. I never thought he would be cut open and scarred or tortured through his childhood. He is recovering though and with God's Grace it will not return. I hope Kael is getting better and not suffering. The one thing that Kevin grasped early on is that if he were to die he would only get closer to God! He said he would miss his family but he could also understand the love of Jesus would fill him. This love he feels I believe has also healed him since it took the place of any fear he could ever have in this world.
ReplyDeleteLove and Prayers,
Christine and Ed
John, Kevin, Ally, Bradley, Connie and Our twins to be born soon!
This post reflects one of the most beautiful lessons that you, my sister, has taught me over the last two years. I love you and am proud too look up to you.
ReplyDeletelove, laurie
* have*
ReplyDeleteGrace and Peace to you. God is sufficient. He is fulfilling His Plan for us all--no matter what it may look or feel like. Our vision is just too limited. We can't see the "true good" in things that seem so unfair and hard to us. We must remember that God knows how that feels too and continues to love. He continues to provide all you need to not only survive this, but to trade your ashes for His Beauty, your fears and tears for His Strength, your mourning for His Gladness--even right in the midst of the darkest blackest night of life. There is no darkness where He is--the Light of His Very Presence will continue to light YOUR way...every single day. He loves you all more than you can understand...just hand onto His Hand! He will never let go of you.
ReplyDeleteI watched the video of the seizure and cried. My mom has stage iv cancer and I lost my dad on 12/28/09. I can tell you that both my parents were/are about living while there was/is life. May God bless every moment you have with your beautiful sons--all of them! Blessings to you who are in Abba's Embrace.
Paula Mantrozos